Tears

Before I moved to Minneapolis a wise woman who prays a lot told me: “You’re going to cry… A LOT… 너무 힘들어!” To which I responded with an awkward smile and head nod in an attempt to cover up my utter fear.

Initially, I thought she meant there would be a lot of tears, because that’s what comes when you attempt to really care for and love people like Christ. Your heart breaks for them. So much that you cry for them. And it’s a new ministry, so of course it’s going to be hard in the beginning. But more and more, I see how many of those tears would really just be for my weaksauce self.

Tears that come from seeing how utterly and absolutely I fall short in loving God and loving people.
Tears that realize, despite how much I feel like I “fail” Him and suck at life, His love never waivers.
Tears that feel the pain of sacrifices big (being away from family & friends) and small (cold weather & parallel parking).
Tears that know, deep down, He has best in store for me.

In Mark 4, Jesus gathers up the disciples and has plans to take them across the lake. A storm brews: “Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” (v.38)

“What an absurd question to ask JESUS! Of course He cares. He cares enough to take us through storms (so we grow & learn) and cares enough to send His son to ‘drown’ in our place.” –last week’s sermon

Do I really trust that He cares?
That He cares for my family to know Him more than I do.
That He knows that it’s hard for me to be here sometimes.
That He knows I really need an apartment.
That He’s with me when I get lost driving EVERYday or when I’m just strait-up lonely.
That He cares for souls on this campus, in our church, and in the Cities way more than I ever will?

It’s crazy what having FAITH that He actually cares can do to your perspective. Even if it’s hard circumstantially, God has His reasons. I know He’s growing me. I know He has His best for me and His glory in mind.

It doesn’t make the tears go away. But it does make me more thankful for the storms.