Sweet 16

In a few weeks I’ll be finished with grad school and moving on to a new city, church, ministry, roommates, job, (hopefully) car, and probably a lot of other things I’m avoiding dealing with right now. As the days on my apartment lease continue to dwindle, my anxiety and me-centeredness seems to continue to balloon.

“When am I going to get a job? Where am I going to live? Will I make any new friends? What am I supposed to do about my ghetto car? How do I make sure my family still knows I love them even though I’m moving 7 hours away?” And even worse, “Why did you convict my heart to go anyways?”

As I attempted to surrender bits and pieces of this hot little mess to God in prayer, He reminded me of my sweet 16:

My dad picked me up from school to suprise me, “You can’t go to your friend’s house, it’s your birthday,” he said. You should spend it with your family–we’re going to the mall!” “What!? This is SO stupid. I just want to go hang out with MY friend’s on MY birthday,” I pouted the entire drive over.

He practically dragged me in as we maneuvered our way to a quaint little trinket stand in front of the Gap. “I want to buy you a sweet 16 charm. Pick out any bracelet you want! I know your mom would’ve wanted you to have a nice piece of jewelry for your birthday–you know how she loved all her jewelry,” he choked out.  

For weeks I had complained to my aunt and friends, “my dad doesn’t even know when my birthday is. I’m sure he’ll forget.” I deserved to be called a B, not ordained with precious jewels (okay, so actually it was sterling silver).

The whole ride home I held my head down–partially in shame and partially in a sad attempt to hide the tears. I didn’t know what to be more emotionally disturbed by–my anger over not hanging out with my best friends or the knife in my stomach because I finally realized we both missed her like crazy AND he actually knew when my birthday was.

My dad knew I was hurting and it hurt him too. He thought long and hard to give me what he could and all I did was question and belittle his surprise little plan.

The memory isn’t exactly parabolic to my situation today, but as I grasp that bracelet (minus the charm) I’ve worn for nearly 8 years, my heart is moved to repent for my me-centered interrogation of the Father’s timing and provision; and ask for grace to trust He is just trying to lay out His suprise little plan (which is really just a part of His much bigger redemptive one). Lord, help me to remember (“again and again and again and again”) that you are the good Father.    

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26

Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:9-11