Uncomfortable assurance

Last night I was talking to one of my transracial Korean adoptee friends about how weird it was to be back at home in the relative homogeneity of central Illinois for the summer, and not around people who know what samgyopsal and patbingsu are. She empathized, “You don’t realize how uncomfortable you are, until you get comfortable and realize what that actually feels like!”

From the perspective of ethnic identity, once I became friends with others that could relate to Korean-adoptee culture, I finally felt very comfortable in my identity as a transracial Korean American adoptee. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable it was to have an ethnic identity so defined by others, until I realized how comfortable it was to actually have one of my own. (This is a book in itself, so I’ll leave it at that for now).

From a spiritual perspective, my recent weeks of rebellion have also opened my eyes to a similar concept in my relationship with God. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable it was to not speak to God on a regular basis…to not be in regular fellowship with the Body… to not meditate on grace and seek repentance… or to not have faith in His promises, until I first realized how comfortable it was to walk with Him regularly.

If anything, the past few weeks of slight rebellion have reassured me of my salvation and authenticated the progression in my walk with God over the last few years. A few years ago it wouldn’t have bothered me too much to not pray or to sleep in past 10 or to not spend quality time with my family. But, oh how uncomfortable that is now! This of course isn’t a justification for my rebelliousness, but a reminder of the fight that exists. And it’s a nice dose of humility, recognizing that this change is not because of my “doing” (b/c clearly, I haven’t been doing much of anything:), but because of His pursuing. At this point it’s so uncomfortable to avoid my true Love, that I’m pretty sure it’d be impossible to actually run away from Him even if I wanted too