Time to unpack

I’ve lived in Minneapolis for nearly a year and STILL have boxes I’ve never unpacked. My friends routinely make fun of my lack of real furniture and I’ve failed to decorate my walls—even with *NSync posters. Last month a co-worker asked, “How long are you staying in Minneapolis? You don’t seem like a huge fan.” And recently a friend from church said I appeared depressed living in Minnesotathis whole time, until last month. As much as I’ve tried to “appear” called and excited to be here, the discontentment in my heart has clearly seeped through.

Through the prophet Jeremiah God addresses a gang of Israelite exiles whowere taken called out of their homeland into Babylonian captivity. They wanted to return to their home and were tempted to believe false prophets claiming that their time in exile would be short, but God had other plans:

 5 Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. 6 Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. 7 But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare. [Jeremiah 29] 

It’s clear that God intentionally sent them into exile. He didn’t tell His chosen people to hangout by themselves and live in fear, instead He told them to buy property, eat Babylonian foods, get married and have children and even grandchildren. He wanted them to take ownership of their calling and plant their roots. He asked them to invest in the land and its people, just as if it were their promised homeland they so desperately longed for. He even asked them to intercede on their enemy’s behalf. And as the exiles followed God’s direction and sought out shalom for those that took them into captivity, He promised blessing.

Just to be clear, I’m not saying that Minneapolis is my version of “Babylon”, but this passage does remind me that real HOPE isn’t found in a location or any other fantastical circumstance I conjure up in my head. It’s laced in the promises of God. This means I need to stop looking backwards, thinking about the good ole’ days, when life seemed perfect and my relationship with God “felt” like it was consistently at its pinnacle. This also means I need to stop looking forward with eyes glazed of a mysterious time when life is seemingly perfect and I’m getting every little thing I desire.

Just as He commanded the Israelites, His command to me is to plant my roots and make myself at home where I am right now, knowing I can trust Him. This means being more vulnerable and truly investing in relationships, work, and ministry—interceding and seeking the welfare of the city. Finally unpacking my boxes and decorating the walls. Erasing phrases like “After I leave MN…” and “When I was back home…” from my vernacular. Loving with commitment—whether or not God has me here for 10 months or 10 years.

And most of all, trusting His word—that yes, He has sent me here intentionally, has plans for my welfare and not for evil, and desires to give me a future and a hope.

Bah, this is hard, Lord, help me to learn what it means to live faithfully, no matter where I’m at.

10 Years.

Every Monday night during the spring semester of my sophomore year I remember  begrudgingly sneaking out of my apartment to walk into an emotional hell. There were always really great sugar cookies though.

Some weeks we would go around the room and share why we were there:

“My son was killed by a drunk driver last month. I still can’t even believe a child could die before their own mother.”
“My grandmother that I took care of for decades finally passed away.”
“My husband killed himself driving drunk on his motorcycle 6 months ago. Maybe it was his own fault?”
“My wife died from breast cancer and now I’m alone taking care of our kids.”
“My daughter had a rare heart condition and died at 6 weeks. How am I even supposed to think about having another child?”
“My parents died when I was in high school and I don’t want it to hurt anymore.”

I’ll never forget this woman in her late 20’s. From the second she came into the room each week to the second she left, her eyes were glazed and shiny. Maybe she just had over active tear ducts? The first week she came she couldn’t say anything comprehensible through her crying. It literally took her 5 minutes to get out the sentence, “My mom died 10 years ago and I’ve never been able to move on.” TEN YEARS AGO. And she couldn’t even say it.

“At least my mom only died 5 years ago and I can say it comprehensibly,” I thought and patted myself on the back. Watching her, I freaked out because I saw what would be me in 5 more years if I didn’t start to receive God’s love again and understand how He really saw me, my broken heart and my broken family. I was exactly like that sobbing woman. I just covered it up a little better. Every Monday my pride debated to even attend the meetings, and every week I left with puffy eyes and was so glad I did.

That first week I met that woman I distinctly remember sitting in the church’s parking lot sobbing just like her, “Lord, when it’s 10 years after my mom’s death, I do not want to be like that. Lord, heal me. Heal her. I want to be free.”

This is the only picture I have of my parents on my computer right now. I think it’s from when they were dating in the 70′s. My umma was about the same age I am now.

So today it’s been 10 years. On the one hand, I’m amazed at how much God has comforted, healed, freed, taken care of—loved me—and how much more of God I know as my true Father. I very likely wouldn’t be the woman in Christ that I am today or so intimately know Him as I do now, without having tasted His goodness in that brokenness. And on the other hand, I can’t deny that some of the same core heart issues and insecurities I had a decade ago still exist in me now.

I used to hate this date every year. But there’s something so sweet about anniversaries, if you could even call this one, filled with reflection and tears in response to His faithfulness.

In my worries and insecurities today, do I still see His sovereign hand and trust in His promises?

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Do I still worship Him—knowing that my life is much less about my comfort and much more about His glory?

Job 1:21 “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

Lord, help me to place my HOPE in YOU. To be complete, simply because I have YOU. To always remember that gaining more of YOU is always worth it.

Tears

Before I moved to Minneapolis a wise woman who prays a lot told me: “You’re going to cry… A LOT… 너무 힘들어!” To which I responded with an awkward smile and head nod in an attempt to cover up my utter fear.

Initially, I thought she meant there would be a lot of tears, because that’s what comes when you attempt to really care for and love people like Christ. Your heart breaks for them. So much that you cry for them. And it’s a new ministry, so of course it’s going to be hard in the beginning. But more and more, I see how many of those tears would really just be for my weaksauce self.

Tears that come from seeing how utterly and absolutely I fall short in loving God and loving people.
Tears that realize, despite how much I feel like I “fail” Him and suck at life, His love never waivers.
Tears that feel the pain of sacrifices big (being away from family & friends) and small (cold weather & parallel parking).
Tears that know, deep down, He has best in store for me.

In Mark 4, Jesus gathers up the disciples and has plans to take them across the lake. A storm brews: “Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” (v.38)

“What an absurd question to ask JESUS! Of course He cares. He cares enough to take us through storms (so we grow & learn) and cares enough to send His son to ‘drown’ in our place.” –last week’s sermon

Do I really trust that He cares?
That He cares for my family to know Him more than I do.
That He knows that it’s hard for me to be here sometimes.
That He knows I really need an apartment.
That He’s with me when I get lost driving EVERYday or when I’m just strait-up lonely.
That He cares for souls on this campus, in our church, and in the Cities way more than I ever will?

It’s crazy what having FAITH that He actually cares can do to your perspective. Even if it’s hard circumstantially, God has His reasons. I know He’s growing me. I know He has His best for me and His glory in mind.

It doesn’t make the tears go away. But it does make me more thankful for the storms.

Hellooo Minneapolis!

Since I relocated to the Twin Cities (no, not champaign-urbana) last week, I have had the pleasure of making a few new friends. There’s one special little boy who enjoys sporadically throwing himself onto my body, as if I were a city building wall and he were transformed into spiderman. I may be unemployed, but at least I’m gaining muscles and learning valuable parenting lessons (or how I probably shouldn’t have children anytime soon).

On a regular basis he (very creepily) whispers in my ear “i don’t like you,,, i love you… i don’t love you…i like you…muhahahaha.” At first it hurt my feelings a little, now it barely phases me. His little “tests” eerily resemble how my heart treats God and people…Wow…I’m thankful for His persistent and consistent love for His children.

Being here God has stripped away pretty much everything I previously had a tendency to put my value in (relationships, titles, job, responsibilities, etc). For once in my life I’m actually quite confident (in “feeling” and fact!) that God is w/me and loves me, but w/all else stripped away, my heart grieves to know,  am I truly w/Him (and His agenda for my life)? Do I wholeheartedly love Him?

I can hear my former pastor in my ear, “it’s not about all (100% love for God), but any (.00000001% love for God).” It all brings me back to the truth that my relationship w/the Father is much more dependent on Him than me. I thought I’d come up here and just start “doing” a lot of things (which I’m sure will happen eventually:), but God continues to tell me how He just wants to have my heart, not my service or anything else that I pharisee-ly believe can give me significance before Him.

Lord, thank you for this time of “loneliness” from people and pedigree. Bring me back to the heart of worship, not busyness.

In other news, I have another job interview monday. Yay. Prayers for that too please! Minus the mosquitoes, the Cities are a pretty cool place to live–beaches, a giant cherry on a spoon sculpture garden, Targets everywhere, lots of yummy (especially SE Asian) food, a cool new fellowship to attend, and much more! Let me know if you’d like to be my roommate! : )

OVERWHELMED…

…by GRACE!

A little more than a month ago I learned it was going to cost a buttload of money to fix my car–which I’ve been driving for a month even though the car guy told me I shouldn’t–oops! I’ve literally been doing nothing about it except making phone calls (and spazzing to friends–thanks for listening!), because there was nothing I could do…with out a legit job. But over the past couple weeks I’ve truly FELT the prayers of many encouraging me to just stay near to God and trust and believe in His provision and His hand over my life.

(This isn’t actually my lovely 4dr family sedan… but visuals are always nice, eh?)

Today I asked a friend for a ride to finally take my car to the mechanic (AND deliver our recycling to the drop-off … she hands me a bag of recyclables and an envelope, which I thought was just a goodbye card with cute stickers spelling out my name. “You should open this before you drive to the mechanic, ” she says.

And out come several envelopes… and tears! The spiritual family I’ve been serving with in Champaign for the past 3 years had pooled together a buttload of assistance/encouragement to help out with the car/move! Every time I opened another check or read a new card I started sobbing again (and it’s not even PMS…lol). There are few things in life (i.e. salvation) that have made me feel so simultaneously thankful and SO undeserving.

Brothers & Sisters (and even their parents) who I know have their own financial issues, some who I don’t even know that well, close friends that I knew were sacrificing a lot, and others that I feel like I’ve never even been that nice too…how thankful I am to God for each of you!

Sometimes people say “you don’t need to go to church to be a Christian”–which is technically true since justification is based on Christ’s work, not our church attendance (Eph. 2:8-9)–but I’d be so sad if I missed out on this ridiculous means of grace! I’m excited to see His love poured out in the new church!

CFC…
Thank you for being a picture of such undeserving grace in my life.
Thank you for reminding me of the beautiful body of Christ.

Lord, help me to love You and love others just as I have received!

Immeasurably More

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. –Ephesians 3:20-21

Recently my pastor exhorted these veres to the church, encouraging us to call on the infinite love and power of our God who is able to do “immeasurably more” and to pray in boldness for empowerment–not for our own exaltation, but the Lord’s. He wasn’t preaching prosperity gospel, but reminding us that God is able and longing to lavish us with His love–but too often we’ve already filled out hearts with ourselves.

If there were a spectrum of guilt<—>joy/freedom, I would likely always be weighed down on the guilt side. I have a pretty (un)healthy knowledge of the sin that infiltrates everything I do and I tend to forget the grace that trumps it all. I’ve been thinking, if I am a daughter of the most high king…a beautiful bride of Christ, why shouldn’t I be free in Christ? Why shouldn’t I desire “immeasurably more” of Him?

As my faith gets put to the test every time someone asks me, “do you have a job yet? do you know where you’re living? when are you leaving?”, God continues to break me to see how much more of Him I need–and how much joy/freedom exists in Him.

More of You, Lord. Less of me, pretty please.

August 2010

On the way to the last day of my grad assistantship, I went out of my way to frolic  along the “scenic” route through the Quad. Sitting on the steps to Foellinger, you can’t help breathing in the nostalgia–it’s crazy to think of all that God had done in the last  four… I mean six… years on this campus. One of the many blessings and lessons came from this letter from the Office of Financial Aid:

March 6, 2006
Congratulations! Based on your academic record and your father’s former veteran status, you have been selected to receive a four-year tuition waiver. This waiver is valid at any University of Illinois school from August 2006 to August 2010…

I distinctly remember calculating how many thousands of dollars were figuratively in my hands on the back of the award letter envelope–nearly $40,000. Ridiculous, right? I was thankful for a bit, but I still remember asking God, “why didn’t I get this my freshman year, instead of half way through college?” (I’m such a brat sometimes!)

Four years ago I was still chasing Katie Couric journalism dreams, didn’t know kimchi or CFC existed, and characterized my walk with God as a bitter victimization of His sovereignty.

I had no clue then that God would lead me to Korea, break my heart for what breaks His serving in an orphanage, heal so many of my past hurts and show me what it means to be His adopted daughter, or lead me to stay at U of I for two extra years to learn more of His Word and get a Masters in Social Work, which I would finish in exactly August 2010.

His timing is impeccable.

Sweet 16

In a few weeks I’ll be finished with grad school and moving on to a new city, church, ministry, roommates, job, (hopefully) car, and probably a lot of other things I’m avoiding dealing with right now. As the days on my apartment lease continue to dwindle, my anxiety and me-centeredness seems to continue to balloon.

“When am I going to get a job? Where am I going to live? Will I make any new friends? What am I supposed to do about my ghetto car? How do I make sure my family still knows I love them even though I’m moving 7 hours away?” And even worse, “Why did you convict my heart to go anyways?”

As I attempted to surrender bits and pieces of this hot little mess to God in prayer, He reminded me of my sweet 16:

My dad picked me up from school to suprise me, “You can’t go to your friend’s house, it’s your birthday,” he said. You should spend it with your family–we’re going to the mall!” “What!? This is SO stupid. I just want to go hang out with MY friend’s on MY birthday,” I pouted the entire drive over.

He practically dragged me in as we maneuvered our way to a quaint little trinket stand in front of the Gap. “I want to buy you a sweet 16 charm. Pick out any bracelet you want! I know your mom would’ve wanted you to have a nice piece of jewelry for your birthday–you know how she loved all her jewelry,” he choked out.  

For weeks I had complained to my aunt and friends, “my dad doesn’t even know when my birthday is. I’m sure he’ll forget.” I deserved to be called a B, not ordained with precious jewels (okay, so actually it was sterling silver).

The whole ride home I held my head down–partially in shame and partially in a sad attempt to hide the tears. I didn’t know what to be more emotionally disturbed by–my anger over not hanging out with my best friends or the knife in my stomach because I finally realized we both missed her like crazy AND he actually knew when my birthday was.

My dad knew I was hurting and it hurt him too. He thought long and hard to give me what he could and all I did was question and belittle his surprise little plan.

The memory isn’t exactly parabolic to my situation today, but as I grasp that bracelet (minus the charm) I’ve worn for nearly 8 years, my heart is moved to repent for my me-centered interrogation of the Father’s timing and provision; and ask for grace to trust He is just trying to lay out His suprise little plan (which is really just a part of His much bigger redemptive one). Lord, help me to remember (“again and again and again and again”) that you are the good Father.    

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26

Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:9-11

Steadfast love of the Lord never ceases

Hopeless.
I see it everyday working in child welfare.
Parents severely abusing their children.
Exposing them to violence, crack, sexual predators.
Chains of poverty holding them in a cage, while the man holds the keys.

Finally, a parent succeeding.
Rehab completed, minimum wage job holding their head above the water.
Then the court system and white-middle-class standards say it’s not good enough.

Now the very machine meant to help, too broke to do what it was meant too.
A kid once broken and separated by a young parent’s ignorance.
Now crushed and severed by a new hegemony.

Hopeless?
I see it everyday working my relationship with Him.
A child abusing her Father.
Complaining about His gifts, using Him like a convenience store.
Exposing her heart to lies, held down by a seemingly cyclical chain of sin.

Finally, the Truth seeps through.
Sin repented, grace holding her afloat.
Again, she’s reminded, even her attempts at goodness are not good enough.

Meant to live thru her Creator, grateful He’s in control.
A kid once broken and separated by her own ignorance,
Now free. In loving submission to His hegemony.
But she climbs back into the cage again and again.

One knows no freedom, no Father.
The other knows, but forgets every day.

Thankful for a living hope that is new EVERY morning.

Because of the LORD’s great love
we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
–Lamentations 3:22-23

Summer Orphanage Ministry Volunteer Opportunity!

Jerusalem Ministry is the NGO in Seoul, Korea that I worked with for a year while I was an undergrad. Volunteering with this ministry impacted my life like CRAZYYY (including the reason why I’m in grad school for Social Work–and almost done!).

It was through this ministry–working with the kids, praying for their hearts, and being mentored though the church– that I really learned how truly big God’s heart is for His children (myself and those in the children’s home)!

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on the doctrine of adoption/God the Father’s intense love for us lately, but until I have legit time to write about it, I’ll just say that this ministry will experientially teach you tons about it…. much more than my blog… so go pray about going to Seoul for the summer!

They’re currently recruiting summer volunteers who will live in a children’s home for two months. If you want more info./application, let me know! (I’d love to pray/talk with you if you have any interest in going!) Or you can contact them via their website!

Psalm 68:5-6 and Isaiah 61:1-3: A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families… He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted… to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes… They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.
————————————————————-
2010 Summer Volunteer Internship

*The Purpose
The goal of this internship is to display the love of Jesus to the youth living in Korea’s children’s homes through the avenue of English language education. Through teaching and fellowship, the volunteer will experience every day life in a Korean children’s home while depending on God’s sufficient provision.

*The Experience
Volunteers will serve in pairs and live within a children’s home in Seoul.
Volunteers will serve at the home each day except on Sundays.
Volunteers will teach English in classes of two or three students.
Opportunities will also be open to teach other subjects (athletics, art, music, etc.).
Volunteers will learn to be dependent on God and His word as they discover how to love God’s children.

*Volunteer Requirements
Must be believers of Jesus Christ and must complete and submit the attached volunteer application by April 16th, 2010.
Must make at least a two month commitment between mid-May and late August.
Must raise support to cover plane tickets and living expenses (approximately $2300).
Must have at least conversational Korean speaking ability. Volunteers will be with Korean speakers most of the time.
Must be dedicated to the children. This is a summer mission trip and it should not be spent to tour, shop, or spend time with relatives. While this can be done before or after the internship, during the two month commitment we require dedication and responsibility to the home-staff and children.

*Past Reflections
Check out last year’s volunteer reflections: http://www.jerusalemministry.org/content/work/now.html